Revenge — It’s a word that ignites the darkest recesses of our hearts, a relentless whisper that promises satisfaction but delivers emptiness. This desire, as ancient and innate as any human emotion, begins in the innocence of childhood. A shove in the playground, a wayward insult, a stolen toy — all trigger our immediate need for retribution. But back then, the stakes were smaller. We had not yet collected all of life’s baggage. So, revenge at an early age was akin to writing someone’s name on a bathroom wall or putting a booger on their desk.
In adulthood, revenge has higher expectations and graver consequences. To unpack a bit, in our lizard brain, revenge is less about settling scores and more about asserting our worth, our dominance. We don’t deserve to be cut off in traffic, cheated on, talked about behind our backs. And sometimes, our rational brain may not even recognize why we are seeking it so purposefully. That’s why stepping back and observing is so important in managing this reckless pursuit.
The Emptiness Of Revenge
Yep, revenge as an idea feels good. But here’s the catch — the satisfaction we crave, that moment of triumph, the one we fantasize about over and over in our heads, in most cases, will never come. The jerk weaving in-and-out of traffic at 90 won’t get pulled over, no matter how deeply we try to manifest it. The cheating ex will move on from our relationship with a clear conscience. The colleague who constantly undermines us in meetings will probably get away with it every time.
And in those rare instances when revenge does happen, the feeling is fleeting, a momentary high that leaves us emptier than before. Why? Because the hole, the emptiness, the disrespect, sorrow or betrayal that someone caused in our hearts still persists. The only way to rid it, is to make the choice to do so.
Escaping Revenge
Revenge is hard to get away from, because it has been around forever. From the Old Testament’s phrase, “An Eye For An Eye,” (which has been reinterpreted as revenge, but means the punishment should fit the crime) to friends saying, “How are you going to get him back,” when we are slighted.
Even our entertainment is deeply seated in revenge, which vicariously helps satisfy a yearning for justice and retribution. Yet, some entertainment can help us see the downsides of revenge, if we look closely enough.
In the show Barry, the main character’s partner skips town when he is under threat. He ends up in an idyllic place overseas, with sheep to herd and a lovely companion by his side. I doubt he’s had that peace or love in a long time, maybe never. Yet, when the opportunity for revenge presents itself, he immediately jumps on a plane to the states, throwing away his current life of love and contentment. The draw is so strong that he is willing to give up everything for the elusive promise of revenge.
Selling Us Revenge
In real life, the aftermath of revenge is starkly different. The feelings of anger, sorrow, and betrayal linger. Movies provide a temporary escape where justice seems attainable and satisfying. They tap into our fantasies, offering the sense of closure that real life seldom does. The entertainment industry knows this allure, as evidenced by the numerous revenge-themed movies released each year. They feed this narrative because it resonates so deeply within the human psyche. But in doing so, they often oversimplify the complex emotional and moral repercussions of revenge. Although they fulfill a promise on screen, that seldom appears in real life. On the rare occasion it does, the moment we have romanticized never lives up to the expectation in our head.
Think about it, even after Inigo Montoya avenges his father’s death in The Princess Bride, what does it bring him? His father is still gone. That hole in his heart doesn’t mend with a sword to the chest of his father’s killer. If he stepped out of his own head for a moment to look back at his path, all he would see is a lonely trail, numbed with alcohol and littered with the fetish of revenge.
“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father prepare to die,”
Those famous words have been rehearsed for years to provide purpose, a will to live. Yet, he gave up most of his life in this singular pursuit for justice. So, if we are keeping score, two lives were lost on that fateful day.
But why do we relish these stories? The answer lies in the emotional distance between our personal emotions and what we witness on screen. We’ve never felt the loss as profoundly as the characters do; we are observers, not participants. That gives us space to enjoy retribution without having a hole we expect revenge to fill.
The Problem With The Chase
Consider public figures like Donald Trump, or pretty much anyone in Washington, on both sides of the aisle, whose lives seems interwoven with the pursuit of revenge. The promises of retribution against perceived adversaries is a powerful example of the relentless chase. Their actions and announcements, suggesting motivations fueled by personal vendettas, exemplify the consuming nature of this pursuit. Yet, each perceived victory, each moment of supposed triumph, seems to leave an ever-growing void. The anger of the chase is their twisted joy, obscuring all the gifts that life has bestowed upon them. Yet, they, like others, have turned their back on the best parts of life, for an elusive endgame, an itch that can never fully be scratched.
No revenge is ever enough. The hole, too big to fill.
Washington has turned into a town of neutered retribution. The House is the swamp, with many willing to deep dive into the mud to get back at people. Revenge has made us lose what is noble and unique about this country. Revenge has devolved our country into a strange and unknown place. And if 45 turns into 47, he has made it quite clear that on Day One he will use all the powers presented to him to take revenge on his enemies.
And half of our country is ok with this.
In this endless loop, revenge is like a veil that obscures the beauty of life. It’s a shadow that darkens our path, robbing us of the joy and wonder that should define our existence. In our quest for vengeance, we miss out on life; it becomes a blur, a series of events overshadowed by the consuming desire to settle scores and Twitter wars.
The Myth of Closure
I’ve discovered firsthand that revenge can be a misleading guide, promising much but delivering little. I’ve felt its seductive pull, as most probably have. But over time, I’ve learned that revenge doesn’t cure the initial harm; it exacerbates it. The void is not filled by revenge; instead, it grows deeper, more profound. We’re left with a lingering emptiness, an unfulfilled promise that revenge can never keep.
Think of it this way: pursuing revenge is a conscious and unfair choice we make to extend the influence of that initial harm, allowing resentment and anger to tag along and gain strength within us. Is that something worth pursuing?
But words are words, and the idea of revenge feels good, especially in a moment when we are feeling bad. And, it gives us a feeling of control, in a situation that rarely does. So, we deceive ourselves into believing that revenge will bring closure. That it will bring a piece of something back.
It won’t.
Closure at the hands of revenge is a myth. True closure comes from within, from the ability to accept, to forgive, and to move forward. It’s a journey of introspection, of understanding that holding onto anger and resentment harms us more than it does our perceived enemies. In reality, closure is a slow and involved process, an active engagement with our emotions and experiences, a path that leads to understanding, acceptance, and eventually, peace.
Letting Go: An Active Pursuit of Contentment
Letting go. Maybe some cringe when they hear it. It sounds soft, weak, and cowardly. It’s a familiar refrain, and is often perceived as passive, as giving in. But in truth, it’s one of the most active, brave, and courageous things we as humans can do. We’re not letting the person off the hook for their actions, rather we are giving ourselves a gift — The permission to let it go. With that, we strip the power, and make a choice to move on. And it is our choice, one that puts our own needs first, and validates that we are strong enough to move on. It’s a conscious decision to break free from the chains of anger and bitterness, to choose a different, more rewarding path. Letting go requires strength, resolve, and acceptance. It’s a journey that counterintuitively takes more courage than the pursuit of revenge.
A Practical Guide to Letting Go
So, how do we let go? It sounds easy, but takes some practice. If you’re someone who doesn’t feel comfortable confronting your feelings and emotions, yet wants to let things go, here are some practical tips.
Now, for this to work, it requires a free and open mind. With a skeptics hat on, the words below can easily be brushed off as meditative L.A. bullshit stuffed in an Erewhon bag. So make sure you approach it the right way for these words to mean something.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: An easy first step. Start by admitting to yourself what you’re feeling, be it anger, hurt, or betrayal. Say it out loud, so your inner voice can hear it. Ignoring these feelings or stuffing them down won’t make them disappear; it often intensifies them, and leaves them unresolved. Let’s get that shit out in the open. Because acknowledgment is the first step towards gaining control over emotions.
2. Understand the Impact: Take a moment to honestly assess how your quest for revenge is affecting our life. Are you neglecting your health, relationships, or personal goals? What have you missed? What relationships have faltered as a result? What choices have you made that seem out of character? Understanding the negative impact on our relationships, mental or physical health, can be a powerful motivator for change.
3. Reframe Forgiveness: Forgiveness is hard, as it goes against our very nature. As an idea, it might feel like we’re throwing in the towel. But what if we approach it from a different perspective? What if we frame it as a way to release ourselves from bitterness. So, it’s more in service to our own feelings than the other person. Because, quite frankly, that person has probably let it go as soon as it happened. We are the only ones keeping it alive. Forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay; rather, it is us saying that we won’t allow it to control our life anymore. Forgiveness can fill voids, that’s why we often see people forgiving someone in court for what seems like an unforgivable act. They forgive, let go, and begin to heal. When we think of it as a gift we give ourself, it moves us closer to acceptance, and eventually letting go.
4. Empathy as a Tool for Perspective: Try to view the situation from the other person’s perspective, not to justify their actions, but to understand why. This understanding can sometimes lessen the intensity of our anger. If someone cuts us off on the 405, we want to cut them off. But the only way this is personal is because we choose to make it that. The random erratic driver doesn’t have a vendetta against us. They don’t even know us. They are more interested in simply getting ahead, for reasons unknown, and we are but a nameless, faceless obstacle in their way. In that case, the problem is with them, and not with us. So don’t allow ego or cognitive dissonance to make it ours. Simply, let it go.
By following these suggestions, it can take us to a place where we don’t need retribution and we prioritize our own mental wellness. However, when these methods are still not enough to lessen the grip on revenge, and anger has you by the throat, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional. Just as we value our physical health, taking care of our mental well-being is equally important. So don’t stigmatize this. Think of a therapist as a personal trainer for the mind. Simple as that.
Above and beyond, we should not allow revenge to be our purpose in life. Leave that to Hollywood. Leave that to politicians. Real people must find a healthier pursuit as there are far more enjoyable and constructive things to build a life around. In many ways revenge is a selfish act that makes everything in our life an understudy to revenge’s main act. So we must get off the road of resentment and forge a new path that will lead to a more present and fulfilling life, filled with love, experiences and peace, unburdened by the need for retribution.
