How Do We Stay Present, When Our Brains Are Not Wired That Way?

We all want to live a happy life. That is a fairly universal truth. We try to achieve that through yoga, exercise, a quiet walk, meditation or simply practicing our own method of relaxation. There is no wrong way. The fact that many of us are carving out time to try, is a step in the right direction. And just trying will benefit not only ourselves, but the others in our lives as we are more patient, understanding and receptive.

And if you are having trouble staying grounded in the present, you are not alone. It’s a struggle that goes against our very nature.

From the moment we exited the womb, our parents planned for us. Preschool. Sports. School. College. Family business. We were asked to figure out what we are doing with our life, before we even discovered who we were. Many times, we became locked into a track, that sometimes we wanted to exit, based on parental pressure or putting the needs of others before ourselves. And that imprint can often be carried over to our own children, as we prepare them for what’s next, when we really should be helping them navigate the highly complex world of “what’s now.”

But it is not only society’s pressure that force us to think ahead. Our modern brains were developed roughly 40,000 years ago, when the world was much different. As such, they are engineered for survival, rather than happiness. Trying to avoid being eaten by lions or drowning in a waterfall easily took precedence over joy in those days.

Anticipation Engine

The brain is, in its basic form, is an anticipation engine. It takes clues from the present, and prepares for the next event. That is great to help keep us safe, but works against us in a modern world, where we want to feel present and happy.

That is why we struggle so hard to stay in the physical moment. Because our brain wants to project ahead to what’s next. When we eat, we think of how much is left on our plate. Driving, we think of the destination, rather than all that we can take in on the journey. We are conditioned to think one step ahead, and that is often rewarded with success in business, but can create unease when we apply it to our personal lives.

To engage in the present is to engage the senses. The smells, the tastes, the sounds. Those live only in the now, and not the next. We can’t utilize our senses for the past or the future. And focusing on that helps ground us in the moment. Giving attention to the space around us and all that it offers, is a way to prevent our minds from sliding into the pressure of figuring out what comes next.

This future tripping can cause anxiety throughout our day, as many times our brain takes limited information, and fills in the blanks for the worst possible outcome. Your kid is late. So, they must have gotten into an accident. Your girlfriend left you on read. She must not care about you anymore. Our brain prepares us for the worst possible scenario, and often times, we validate and over-connect with that feeling.

Many times, the brain is wrong. Your kids lost track of time. Your girlfriend was comforting a friend and couldn’t reply. But the associated feelings are not as easy to dismiss as the simple explanation.

When our brain performs as engineered, it is important to recognize that’s just the way the mind works, and not over-identify with those thoughts. In fact, a technique with intrusive thoughts is to simply label them as such.

This Is A Thought

“This is a thought,” I say to myself. Not “I am having a thought,” or “this is my thought, It’s just a thought.”

Sounds dumb, right? Maybe even basic. But training our minds is an important part of achieving happiness. Shit, we hit the gym to strengthen our bodies, so why shouldn’t we work our our mind?

Yet, by practicing this simple task, I am able to provide distance between myself and the thought. This allows the thought to leave at its own pace, rather than ushering it out. Much like a cocktail party “overstayer,” our thought will leave when we stop giving it attention, rather than trying to force it out.

Because pushing the thought away, much like pushing a guest out of our house, will make us frustrated and ill at ease, especially if it doesn’t work. And that compounds the feelings we are already having with a layer of frustration and anger on top. Those thoughts may even be worse than the original thought the anxiety loop can create.

And all that thinking can easily fuck us up.

To fully understand how to be present and make space for my thoughts took years, and it is still a work in progress. My mind is filled with self-prompts, realizations and a goal to treat myself with the same kindness, patience and understanding that I apply unto others. In doing so, this has helped me write better and stay focused, even when events of the day try to make me think otherwise.

The Sprinkler Diaries

My sprinkler valves recently broke. I had fixed another set a few months ago, and it was a pain. I tried to make quick work this time, and a piece broke. As I tried to fix that, another piece broke. The job went from 1 hour to 3, and I was pretty pissed.

I validated that anger, didn’t try to suppress it, and a minute later I walked back to the job. I thought, what If I was an observer here, helping a friend. Would I continue to be pissed at my friend for breaking the sprinkler, or would I encourage my friend with kind words, and an offer to help. From there, I was able to think, “ Well, if I would do that for a friend, why would I not do it for myself? Why am I so critical of my own actions, when I make a point to practice kindness and understanding to others?”

I got back to work, and again, had a realization. I’m going to have to fix this, or what little grass I still have in the Southern California drought would die. Would I rather do the repair in a neutral mindset, or upset? The choice is pretty obvious, so I simply noted that today I lost one, but there will be days when things will work out even better than planned, whether it is at home or work. The knob will screw right on the cabinet. I will nail a client script on the first draft, rather than the tenth. And for that, I need to be just as accepting of the bad, as I am of the good. Then, I can try to resolve them in a way that is gentle and kind to myself.

And so I did.

And when the thoughts come back (they will), I can note and label them, or simply give space to the mind and say, “The mind wants to think.” That also helps us create division and distance, to allow the mind to think, and for me to continue my journey through the day.

When I first tried this approach, I was a bit skeptical. Yet, I soon discovered, little by little, that when we treat ourselves with the same kindness we aspire to treat others, it makes it much easier to quiet the internal critic. Then, we can be more forgiving of ourself, and to have a better relationship with a brain that simply wants to keep us safe.

Then we realize, it is our job to keep us happy, even if our lizard brain is not an ally in that pursuit.

So be patient, don’t over-identify with your intrusive thoughts and associated emotions, and don’t feel the need to hang on to the anger because it is “justified.” Easier said than done, but realize the more we practice these techniques, the better we become.

So be gentle on yourself, and good luck.