Try These 3 Things Instead.
I hate New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because they stem from that annoying inner critic, who always wants us to believe we are not good enough, we could do better, or try harder. Don’t get me wrong, self-improvement is an important part of growth, but sometimes the commercialization and pressure from the start of a new year, can sometimes make things worse.
That’s because, when we invariably slip on the resolution, we give voice to that critic, and feel guilty, angry or once again, not good enough.
Sure, we may want to change something about ourselves, but wanting and doing are two different things. Still, many of us will commit to this arbitrary yearly ritual, give up, then end up feeling worse than even before we made the resolution.
Sound about right?
The problem with many resolutions is a displaced motivation. For many, it is not something people necessarily want to do, but feel like they have to do it, because society tells them that. There is so much focus on material wealth, diet culture, picket-fence success, that we simply become pop-culture soldiers marching through January without a true internal calling.
I stopped making resolutions many years ago. Instead, the things I want to work on for myself, I do so at my own pace, knowing fully well I will slip, fail, and may or may not pick myself up again.
It is much easier to grow when we allow ourselves the space and self-compassion to do it. So my changes are simply a continuance. I focus on acceptance, to look at my flaws and the flaws of others in a way that is gentle, kind and free of judgement.
It’s a work in progress.
So, instead of making resolutions, use the hope of a new year to focus on a new perspective to improve your mental and physical health.
1. Practice Forgiveness
The first thing some people think of when forgiveness pops up is weakness. Many feel emboldened and justified in the anger encountered as a result of being wronged, and any sort of forgiveness would feel like they are giving in.
I get it. Forgiveness doesn’t feel good in the moment. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Being angry feels way better, and much more visceral in that short term. Yet, forgiveness is an important trait to cultivate, as the effect of not letting go can have long-term physical and emotional consequences.
Again, if we reframe forgiveness, it is really an expression of true strength, not weakness. It is not about the person who crossed you, it is more about you. Being able to put the ego aside, and forgive yourself or others is a huge step towards fostering positive relationships and boosting mental and physical health.
Now, forgiveness takes practice. Remember, it is not a door we walk through, but rather a process. So begin on that path and don’t be discouraged if it takes some time.
Remove Bitterness
Maya Angelou said, “Bitterness is a cancer that attacks the host.” It starts out small and slowly consumes thoughts and emotions, causing harm to the mind and body. It can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and hate, which can cause a person to become isolated and disconnected from those around them.
Bitterness is a hidden and destructive force, that eats away at you over time. And often, the person who caused the bitterness doesn’t even know it is happening. You are not getting back at them by holding on to this feeling. In fact, bitterness keeps the pain alive for only you to feel. And that is really unhelpful.
The key to letting go of bitterness is to practice forgiveness, finding tools to process and let go of the past, and getting help from a therapist or counselor if needed.
Accept Mistakes
When someone makes a mistake, the first reaction is often anger or frustration. While your reaction is valid when that happens, anger just makes the resolution harder, and pushes the goal of fixing the mistake further away.
When it happens practice empathy, and do so with a neutral mindset. Don’t focus on punishing or making the person feel bad, just accept and help them get it right. And when emotions have cooled off, and the mistake is made right, work on ways to help prevent the same mistake in the future.
The reality is mistakes are a natural and useful part of being human. Although the mistake may impact you for the worse, the intent was probably not to do that. So when a mistake happens, try not to judge.
Now, all of these things may seem soft, but they are not easy. They all require other skills to pull them off, a toolbox of sorts. Getting yourself in the right mindset through guided meditation, breathing techniques, self love and the aspiration to stay grounded in the present, are all ways that can help you on your journey.
Even more important is the idea to “stay teachable.” It is easy to fall into familiar ways, think we know how to navigate life’s setbacks and treasures. Yet, the biggest gift you can give yourself this year is the permission to change. To test out new eyes, new perspectives and a new spirit to take you to a place of balance, peace and understanding.
Good luck.
