Being a man is easy.
Being a man is hard.
What does it mean to be a man these days? Poker, cigars and watching sports in man-caves. Nope. Those are easy.
So fucking easy.
Being a man is harder today than it has ever been. Because the rules for masculinity have changed. Being a man is about acceptance, understanding, kindness and empathy. It’s about admitting fault, apologizing, and searching for a better way. Being a man is about lending your voice to people, and fighting for what is right, not what is right for you.
Being a man is easy. Being a man is hard. So fucking hard.
I have never felt like more of a man than I do today, coming off a sea of pink, rainbow flags and strong women marching for equality on the streets of L.A. in January. Mind you, I was never the traditionally masculine male. Growing up, I wore pink clothes, took Home Ec, wrote poetry and never really watched sports. I felt more comfortable talking to a female friend than a male one.
Yep, I was bullied for it at an early age. I was called Gay Barbush, faggot, etc. It rolled off me, as I understood that many people simply could not fit me into their traditional male archetype, so they put me in the box their small mind could manage. I felt bad for them, as attitudes like that are taught, by parents, family, media, etc. They live with such a narrow and traditional sense of masculinity, that inevitably it would affect their adult relationships for the worse.
It probably has.
As I moved through life, I knew being a man was not something I could express in the traditional way. So I had to redefine what masculinity meant to me. And I still reflect on that to this day.
Being a man is not something granted by gender. Being a man is earned. It comes from looking at the world with open eyes, and acting on things that don’t look right. Being a man is about equality, never using size or influence to intimidate. Being a man is about finding the best in people, even when they are at their worst.
Being a man is about taking people on their word and trusting them. And even when that trust is broken, not coloring everyone else who comes along your path with contempt. Being a man is about looking at things from other perspectives than your own.
Being a man is easy. Being a man is hard. So fucking hard.
Men apologize. Because men are wrong. Oh my God are we wrong. So many times. And no one likes to admit that. But they must. Men cannot hide their vulnerability. They must let the world know that feelings aren't something defined by gender, even if a portion of society wants us to believe that.
Men can never present themselves as beyond reproach, as fully learned, fully discovered beings. They must never use the word “man up” without understanding the subtext and power dynamic the statement suggests. Gender does not define strength, in either the physical or emotional context.
Strength defines strength.
Moments of strength live in a family room, as a young man or woman nervously comes out to their parents. Trying to find the words. Knowing lives could completely change in that moment. And waiting to see if it is for the better or the worse.
Strength is standing in front of a mirror, wearing clothes of another gender because that is who you are. That is who you really fucking are. Strength is swinging open that front door with all your might and bravely marching out. Strength is about letting the world discover the real you.
Strength is coming out against an abuser, knowing it could torpedo your life and career, yet knowing it has to be that way. It just has to. Because what you do is not just about you. It is about others. Strength is no longer living in silence, because strength comes in numbers.
Being strong is hard. So terribly fucking hard.
Being a man is not about looking the other way. It’s about staring the situation dead in the eye. Being a man is about lifting up the people around you, helping your female colleagues punch the glass ceiling, breaking it into a million fucking pieces. Being a man is knowing that enabling that will not leave you behind.
Being a man is easy. Being a man is hard.
Being a man is about giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially women who have come forward on #metoo and #timesup. Being a man is seeing that movement through their lens, not yours. Because when you don’t, you will always think and say the wrong thing. Ask Matt Damon about that.
He is not a man. Not anymore.
Being a man is not about victim shaming. Being a man is not about victim blaming. Being a man is understanding that its impossible to fully understand what it feels like to be a woman. But being a man is trying your best to understand. With every day. With every action. With every breath.
Morrissey is not a man.
Being a man is about acceptance. Living it. Being ok with things you may not understand. Being a man is realizing that being gay is just another way of loving someone. Being a man is understanding that the way people define their gender is really up to them, and no one else.
Being a man is not hiding behind politics. It’s not about self-preservation or compartmentalizing your agenda at the expense of others. Being a man is about putting people at the forefront of all your decisions. Being a man is doing things for the greater good, not your greater good.
Men don’t make broad assumptions about groups based on fear, or skin color, or religion. A real man would never be so shallow. Being a man is not about breaking up families. Or calling out immigrants for seeking a better life. Being a man is about realizing we are all immigrants. The only difference is our place in line.
45 is not a man. He never was. He will never be.
Being a man is about unconditional love for your sons and daughters, holding your family when they need you most. Being a man is about changing diapers, going to recitals, and kissing a skinned knee. Being a man is not doing “boy things” with boys, and “girl things” with girls. Being a man is never to assume what someone does or doesn’t like, merely because of birth gender.
Being a man is easy. Being a man is hard.
Being a man means never putting a woman in a situation that makes her uncomfortable, either through sex, violence or an unequal power dynamic. Being a man means you understand the meaning of no, especially when you don’t want to hear it. Being a man means knowing women can change their mind, and when they do, men must immediately change their actions. Immediately change their fucking actions. One more time. Immediately change their fucking actions. Being a man knows the way you treat women can leave a lasting impression on all their relationships. So men need to do what’s right.
Weinstein is not a man. Brock Turner is not a man. They are barely human.
In 2018, we need men. It needs to rain fucking men. Hallelujah. More men who understand that our short time on earth should be about happiness, respect and unity. We need to teach our boys to be men, so they teach their children the same, and their girls grow up with equality and respect.
We need to stop being history’s version of men, and be today’s version. We need to be the solution, not the problem. Because being a man is no longer about beer, sports, muscle cars, sexual conquests and living the good life.
Being a man is about living a good life.
It’s 2018. Being a man is easy. Being a man is hard.
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so fucking hard.
But try.
The world depends on you.
