Dear Youth Of America:
When it comes to social media, you sure are picky. Turning your back on a tried and true way to share picture-a-day challenges, inspirational quotes in cursive fonts, and huge photo dumps from your Hawaii vacation. Yep, I read the article. And boy, thanks for the gut punch. This one hurts.
Because, like parents and grandparents all across this great world of ours, we bleed Facebook Blue.
I see how it is. Ohhhh, too good to connect on a site that was started as a way to objectify females at Harvard by rating their looks?
Virtue signal much?
Or, are your little feelings hurt because they allowed so much Russian misinformation to freely flow, that a narcissist came into power? Come on. It was only four years people. And maybe another round in 2024. Who knows? Who really knows.
Let it go already.
Yes, they had data that showed Facebook knew about the mental health crisis it caused for teens, and did nothing. But guess what? By ignoring it, they made many people millionaires.
And I doubt you’ve always been forthright in every aspect of your life. So why are you being so hypocritical?
Shit, most kids your age are dishonest about things that are meaningless, like dumb school shit. But tell you what is not meaningless. Being stupid rich.
And if that info got out, Facebook would have a lot less stupid-rich people. We at least can agree that being rich is way more important than turning in homework late.
I Don’t Get It
Why wouldn’t you want to be on the same platform where your teacher shares his fishing photos? Or want to support your parents with a simple “like” on the suggestive golf memes they don’t realize everyone can see? It takes a second of your time.
And when their memories of you pop up, they go out of their way to try to tag you, even though you aren’t on Facebook. Don’t you feel sad knowing your name shows up without a blue link?
Your parents probably are.
If we’re being honest, it’s humiliating to them. I mean, they are your parents. You know, the ones who raised you, changed your diapers, documented your entire life (including the slight delivery room overshare) on Facebook.
How much does it hurt them? Have you ever not shown up on a family vacation? Or purposefully miss the holiday photo because you were at a macrame class? It’s like that.
Think I am overreacting? Well, because of their dedication to constant status updates, you got a beautifully curated digital version of your life. It comes up every year on the same date, like clockwork for them to re-share, which they do religiously. But, without Facebook, your kids will never know that joy.
Do you really want that?
Don’t Let Facebook Die
Here’s the deal. Without you young folks, Facebook will never survive. And Mark Zuckerberg, the Harvard-educated, woman-rater will never be able to deliver his Facebook Metaverse. Do you want to kill his dream of a second, second life? Can you live with that?
Listen, and listen hard. I have two words for you.
Friendster. MySpace.
Shit, we thought they would live forever, but they died tragic deaths, and with it, our top 8 died as well. And Tom, don’t get me started on how often the world misses his disarming #cuteboysummer smile and over-the-shoulder glance.
Know why they died? No, not because Yahoo! bought them, that was Flickr and Tumblr. They died because people stopped going there. People stopped caring. People stopped believing.
Poor Great Aunt Sylvia
Let’s not forget about Great Aunt Sylvia. Facebook is all she has. That, Judge Judy and the occasional trip to Applebees. But Facebook is her main thing.
She loves you, and shows it with all those thoughtful floral cards she sends on your birthday. You can’t thank her by logging on and congratulating her on her kick ass wordle score?
Heartless.
The Joy Of Connecting
Those of us on Facebook appreciate the ability to check in on people from our past. Perhaps, because you have been digitally connected with people your whole life, you will never know the thrill of looking up a high school boyfriend, or tracking down the middle school kid who could turn his eyelids inside out.
You will never have that dopamine body slam when you realize you have more hair and a better car than the jerk who bullied you in high school 30 years ago. Like, BMW better.
And when you look at his #averagegoals white minivan, you realize that life has balance. And, without that frame of reference, you will never feel that late-term vindication against people who peaked in High School.
Turning The Tables On Communism
Facebook is trying to make things right. They know you are not their jam, and are trying to correct that.
Might I remind you this was the social network that brought you so much joy as a pre-teen when you filmed your mom and dad’s Ice Bucket Challenge. You laughed for days.
I had a cold for just as long.
But they have grown. Just like you have. And they are now called Meta. Sure, they stole the name, but buying cool is one of the luxuries of being stupid rich.
And yes, they tend to copy (or buy) things from other platforms too. But think about this: You know how hard it is to be invent something on your own?
But Facebook is smart. Much smarter than those inventing eggheads at Snapchat and TikTok who put time, effort into developing cool shit. So instead of wasting time on an independent thought, Facebook just copies others.
It’s brilliant, right?
Before you get too high-minded, remember this. You copy your term paper from the internet, Facebook copies from Tik Tok.
You copied your homecoming dress from that girl in your Spanish class. Facebook copied short-form video.
When you think about it, the actions are kinda the same in principle.
Plus, Facebook is doing our country a service by copying from China for a change and ripping off their Tik Tok.
Keep fighting those commies, Zuck. Do our country proud.
Now show some respect, and stop hating the player. Hate the fucking game.
Privacy Schmivacy
I see you with your private accounts. Oh, you are all about privacy? Don’t look at me. Yes, Facebook tracks the heck out of you. And I am ok with that. It’s not like I’m an idiot. I expect something in return.
For instance, I can log onto a ton of sites using my Facebook credentials. You know how big the internet is? You know how much time that saves me? You know how hard it is to find that fucking bicycle on the captcha without your reading glasses.
Some day you will. Some day you will.
But if you stop being so bratty, and think about it another way, you may understand. Sure, I am a commodity, and Facebook follows, documents and sends my data to advertisers so they can both make money.
But you know what that tells me?
I matter. I fucking matter, people.
The things I do on the internet are interesting to Facebook, and that is so validating. Advertisers care about what I do. Everything I do, even something as simple as going on marketplace to update my model train collection. That is important to them. And guess what, Amtrak cares, too. Cause I get cool posts from them in my feed everyday without even asking.
Considerate, right?
Be Careful What You Wish For
Here’s a history lesson. When a community lacks something, they go somewhere else. They migrate for food, water, shelter. That’s how the world worked in the old days, even before us.
And when it comes to our social world, it’s the same. So let me ask you this? Do you really want your parents liking your TikToks?
Maybe we just fast forward to the day your science teacher’s famous brownie recipe now shows up on your “For You” page?
What happens when you get snaps of Farmville requests from your uncle?
Or, imagine the conversation with your parents, when they ask you to explain TikTok, because Facebook no longer exists.
You are forcing a migration, and before you know it, your great aunt will be liking and commenting on every one of your damn stories. And then you will have to leave.
In the not-so-distant past, Facebook used to be for college kids only, until our posting cadence, tagging, and gaming requests drove them out.
We added “The” in front of “Facebook,” and claimed it as our own.
And when that happens again, it will be all your fault. No one to blame but yourself. Don’t believe me? Check out your instagram. We’re already there. Ruining it for you with multiple postings per day, tagging anything within our sights. It’s just a matter of time until it becomes “The Instagram.”
So, watch out.
Advice, From An Elder
Here’s a bit of advice. I learned it from Bill Clinton who famously cheated on his wife. Compartmentalize, people. It’s a fucking great coping skill. Put that shit in a corner and don’t let it bother you.
That’s what we do. And we are your parents. Know why we compartmentalize? Because that is what the President of the USA taught us.
So the fact that Facebook causes people to feel bad about themselves? Put it in the corner. The fact that Zuckerberg’s origin story is sad, pervy and objectifies women? Lock that shit away somewhere. And knowing Russia’s involvement in the election basically paved the way for the Supreme Court to destroy women’s rights? Smash that info into the wall. And never look at it again.
It’s for everyone’s good.
Story Time
I’ll tell you a story. I went to Facebook with my partner and clients for a meeting in the early years. I met with Sheryl Sandberg, before she was leaning in or enabling Russian collusion (successfully compartmentalized, on both counts).
Zuck was too busy to see us, even before he was a household name. I mean, Facebook was growing. And rating those women took some time, even if it wasn’t officially part of the site anymore. But guess what. Sheryl was a lovely host, and even bought us lunch. And when people buy lunch, our generation knows enough to show some gratitude.
Maybe you can, too.
A Tiny Request
I am not asking for much. Log on, change your profile pic once a month, and maybe skip TJ Maxx and buy a cool boho tapestry on Marketplace every once in a while. Let people see your birthday, get some wishes, and thank them back. Once a year, on that one.
The Metaverse? We’re not asking you to buy those ridiculous headsets that seem like they are right out of the dance scene in Sixteen Candles. We think they’re ass, too. And hated Second life the first time it came around.
Set a reminder every few months and log on. But don’t abandon Facebook completely. Because when it comes to the internet, that’s all we, as parents, truly have.
And if we lose it, guess what? We’re coming to visit you on Tik Tok.
